What More Do I Have To Give

I've run out of words to say. I've run out of actions to express. I've run out of tears to cry. I've run out of prayers to pray. I've run out of excuses to make. I've run out of road to drive. I've run out of music to listen to. I've run out of magazines to flip through. What am I suppose to do when I've ran out of everything that I have but love for you? I can go across the world and back and give away all of my earthly possessions, but nothing will help me move on from you, but running out of love. It is the one thing that I cannot control. It's the one thing that won't allow me to let you go every time you walk out the door and back into your life. This time around I cannot blame anyone. Not even you. I knew what could happen and would happen and I continued on our journey anyway. It's amazing how the human heart can learn to deal with pain or sadness. I've taught myself how to cope with the sadness that I have when it comes to you. I've taught myself how to function with the pain. But I must admit...I love you. Period. Nothing will heal my heart, but you. No one can wipe my tears away like you. No one laughs at my jokes, but you. My heartbeat is in rhythm with yours. Just the thought of you picks me up when I'm down. I will cross an ocean and move a mountain just to be in the same room as you. I will compromise all of my hopes and dreams so that you can pursue yours. I will live as humble as a homeless man and eat grass and drink water and rid myself of all of my earthly possessions to grant you security. I know I can live in this world and strip myself of every thing I have, but that still probably won't be enough to be with you. My determination is fading fast. Again, I must ask myself, how long will we play this game? I have run out of things to sacrifice. I have run out of thoughts to think. I have run out of hope to believe in. But the funny thing about life is that I cannot let you go until I have ran out of love for you...which can take a life time.

That's My Bike...Punk!

The other day I was engaging in a conversation with a friend when she told me that I should consider being a counselor. My immediate response was "nah, it's too depressing. Someone hanging a cloud over your head when you're reaching for your own sunshine.” And those were my words without a thought or pause. Those that really know me know that I like helping people and MOTIVATING them to make a positive move forward in their own lives. But in that split second I made a statement that seemed to contradict what I believe is part of my purpose here on Earth. But that's only if one was to judge the statement surface level. Sometimes you can't help everybody or take everyone along with you on your journey. Your personal journey. Sometimes you have to feed people with a long handled spoon, and it doesn't necessarily have to be because they're bad people, but maybe because you're an unfinished book yourself. Often times we try to save people from drowning, but in the process of handing them our life jacket we realize that we don't know how to swim ourselves (there was a reason that we had on the life jacket in the first place). I’m just going to be honest with you, sometimes people weigh you down. You’re barely staying afloat because you’re just “getting the hang of things” yourself trying to save a 250 lb. man from drowning…not possible. Before you know it, people are taking and taking and taking because you keep on giving and giving and giving…and you ain’t getting sh*t in return, but the mirror only reflects what stands in front of it (wait for it). Now I’m not saying you can’t help people, but you don’t have to do it at the expense of yourself. People will use you until they use you up. Sometimes you have to move everyone out of the way and go for self. Be courteous, be respectful, be honest and learn to let go of seasonal people without letting go of yourself in the process. Don’t allow people to rain on your parade, especially if you’re in a “good place.” Don’t allow unimportant people to come into your lane and get you off course. Surround yourself with those that applaud you when you do well and MOTIVATE you to do better when you’re not reaching your potential. Reach back and help those that need to be helped, but don’t jeopardize your dream helping somebody else out of their nightmare. And when you do reach back, don’t do it expecting anything in return, do it because that’s a decision you wanted to make…because nine times out of 10 you won’t get anything in return (from them). So basically what I’m saying is make the decision to help someone based off the person you are not the person you’re helping, but don’t let them use you. To sum it all up, don’t let someone hang a cloud over your head while you’re reaching for your own sunshine.

The Breath I Breathe Is Just...Different

I still breathe different. It has been umpteen months and fifty-eleven hours and I still breathe different. Nothing has been the same since it happened, and I'm not sure things will ever go back to the way they were. I'm better for it without a doubt, especially to those around me, but I can't help but feel like I'll always be chasing that part of myself. THAT piece that got away. Please don't get things misconstrued, I am grateful. I'm wise enough to know things could have been a lot worse. But now it's like my vision has abandoned me, gone in the blink of an eye. Pun intended. Or was it distorted before everything hit the fan? I've watched the sun rise and set since I was six years old, always realizing that what goes up must always come down. I watch that same sun, but through a much different lens now. I now appreciate it for what it is…one of the most beautiful things my eyes have ever seen. I stare at it as it goes down, forced to wonder how long will it continue to shine. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath just at the sight of it. One foot in front of the other, day by day. I can smile though…because I won. All the times I was silent when I should've said something. All the times that it was dark, when everyone else had light. I won. I'm better…because I can see clearly now. No more cloudy days, there all gone away. However there is a price to pay for wisdom and improvement, and even when I made it to the other side of the storm, I was sad for those that I left behind. Have you ever stood in a room full of people feeling completely alone? Because you "get it." Apart of you has always gotten it and due to this fact, apart of you will always be lonely because THAT part of you will always get what no one else does. You will always be ten steps ahead, seeing what others cannot see and those who can, choose not to because they know all too well, the price that must be paid. They know that sometimes it's just easier to fit in with everyone else because it's lonely standing by oneself. They know that sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut because things have always been that way and most martyrs die way before THE CAUSE they are fighting for. So if you see me around and I look down, just continue on your journey and pray for me because you know that I did not have a choice. You know that even if I did walk away from the responsibility, the burden of my transgressions alone would have killed me. Pray for me because you know most martyrs didn't have an option. They see things before everyone else. And even though I am ten steps ahead often MOTIVATING those that are sometimes ten steps behind just know…that there is ALWAYS a price to pay. And know that even if I live to be 80 years old, I died to myself a long time ago. But the reward is so much better than the sacrifice. So if a better me makes a better you, then so be it. By any means necessary…MOTIVATION.

I Know What I Gotta Do...

"Don't expect me to think like you, cuz my life ain't like yours." -T.I.

Man I'm trying. I know what I have to do. I know how I have to do it. Sometimes it takes time. Things don't always happen overnight. Sometimes it doesn't happen in six months. People will back you into a corner. Force you to make decisions you really don't want to make. I have a million things on my to-do list. I can only do two or three things at a time. I'm not blaming anybody. I'm not asking for any hand-outs. I'm trying not to make any mistakes. I'm trying to make the right decisions...for my life. I got a dream to catch. I don't care if I got to sleep in my car and scrape up change just to eat, I'm going to make something out of nothing. Sometimes people don't understand that when they pour negative things into people's spirit it affects them more than they realize. Sometimes you'll be on the verge of making a positive step forward and somebody will come out of nowhere and say some dumb stuff, or tell you something THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW, and push you two steps backward. Don't you hate that? If I have a check list with a million things on it, I don't need you downing me. Encourage me even if you don't understand the way I move. If you're not big on encouraging people, shut up. Real talk. I don't need any 'yes men' on my team. Either I'm riding solo or my squad and I are all moving in the same direction...FORWARD. It may not be the path always traveled, but I guarantee you we will arrive at our destination safely. Fuel to my fire. Stop preaching to the choir. I get it. I know. Leave me alone and let me work my magic. When I get there, no congratulations needed. I'm content now. Will be content then. Self MOTIVATION is the best MOTIVATION. I hear you talking. I see you looking. I understand you're wondering. No need. We good. I'm good. My head is high as ever. I'm still at peace. Sometimes you have to remind yourself where you're going even though everybody else may think you're headed in the wrong direction. If you are going in a direction that nobody around you has ever been in before, of course they aren't going to understand why you leave at 3am with only a backpack, a laptop and a change of clothes. I'm going places they ain't never been before. I don't have time to unpack my clothes. I gotta keep it movin'. Thought process is just different. This whole entry may not make any sense. Don't matter. Be patient. I'm MOTIVATING myself.

I Can Finally Be Just An American

Paying Homage to the Old School

I felt it way down deep in my soul...

While Making A Way For the New School


The most beautiful sight mine eyes have ever seen...

Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart to the depths of my soul…thank you. As the day turns into night and the cold chill sets into the air, I am thankful. I’m overwhelmed and thankful. The question has been asked several times if we ever thought we’d see this day in our lifetime. No, I did not. I never thought that I would see the day where my first family would look just like me. Where my first family would come from the Southside of Chicago in a neighborhood similar to mine. Thank you. When I was younger my teachers looked at me and all my peers and told us that we could be whatever we wanted to be. They told us that all that we dreamt of at night could come true, if only we believed. They told us that with a good education and a dream in our heart, we could achieve the impossible. And I believed this until I was old enough to realize that no African American had ever been president…no matter how much education they had. No woman had every been president…no matter how qualified they were. So by the time I reached high school, I no longer believed that I could be whatever I wanted to be. A lawyer…maybe. A doctor…if I’m able. But never President of the United States…THESE United States. Never…in a million years. I always thought to myself, I can only go as high as they allow me. Every president, no matter how much I identified with their views, just couldn’t understand what it was like to be a Black woman growing up in the United States. So while they represented me, they didn’t understand me. While they stood in for me, they couldn’t stand for me. I was born in a country where I was once considered only three fifths of a person. The politicians fought so their children wouldn’t have to go to school with Black children. You see Mr. President, I just didn’t think that I would ever see you and your wife walking down Pennsylvania Avenue as THE First Family. You see I come from a place where most of my peers are just lucky to graduate from high school. The dreams we have are small in the eyes of man and often even those, are unattainable. Mr. President, we come from families that struggle to put food on the table and often die of heartache because they were never able to give their children the life that they know they deserved. My grandmother is 71 years old and still gets up and goes to work everyday. Not because she wants to, but because that’s what you have to do…where I come from. On this day, Mr. President, when Aretha Franklin sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee,” that’s the first time that I felt like I had a home…and its name was America. So thank you Mr. President for doing it for me. Thank you for giving my great grandmother something to smile about…even though she grew up in the Jim Crow South. Thank you Mr. President for allowing me the opportunity to always be honest with my children. In the future, when I tuck them in the bed at night and I tell them that they can be whatever they want to be…I won’t be lying. When I tell my son that he can play basketball AND be president of the United States…THESE United States, he can look me in my face and say ‘without a shadow of doubt, mama I know I can.’ Thank you. Thank you Mr. President for being a good husband to your wife and a great father to your children. Thank you for showing me that you can come from a single parent home and still have a health family. Thank you. Thank you for carrying the burden of so many broken chidren…from the Southside of Chicago to the villages in Kenya. Thank you. Thank you for showing me that as a black woman, I don’t have to settle for anything less than the best. Showing me that if I want to, I can become the first lady of the United States…THESE.United States. You didn’t have to do it. You could’ve left your dreams where they told you to leave them…in your heart. But you didn’t. You took your wife and your children and you put your life in harm’s way…for me. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart to the depths of my soul…Mr. President.

NOTORIOUS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDDv6pAbN_U

I'm off today family. Go support the movie tonight...y'all be easy.