That's My Bike...Punk!

The other day I was engaging in a conversation with a friend when she told me that I should consider being a counselor. My immediate response was "nah, it's too depressing. Someone hanging a cloud over your head when you're reaching for your own sunshine.” And those were my words without a thought or pause. Those that really know me know that I like helping people and MOTIVATING them to make a positive move forward in their own lives. But in that split second I made a statement that seemed to contradict what I believe is part of my purpose here on Earth. But that's only if one was to judge the statement surface level. Sometimes you can't help everybody or take everyone along with you on your journey. Your personal journey. Sometimes you have to feed people with a long handled spoon, and it doesn't necessarily have to be because they're bad people, but maybe because you're an unfinished book yourself. Often times we try to save people from drowning, but in the process of handing them our life jacket we realize that we don't know how to swim ourselves (there was a reason that we had on the life jacket in the first place). I’m just going to be honest with you, sometimes people weigh you down. You’re barely staying afloat because you’re just “getting the hang of things” yourself trying to save a 250 lb. man from drowning…not possible. Before you know it, people are taking and taking and taking because you keep on giving and giving and giving…and you ain’t getting sh*t in return, but the mirror only reflects what stands in front of it (wait for it). Now I’m not saying you can’t help people, but you don’t have to do it at the expense of yourself. People will use you until they use you up. Sometimes you have to move everyone out of the way and go for self. Be courteous, be respectful, be honest and learn to let go of seasonal people without letting go of yourself in the process. Don’t allow people to rain on your parade, especially if you’re in a “good place.” Don’t allow unimportant people to come into your lane and get you off course. Surround yourself with those that applaud you when you do well and MOTIVATE you to do better when you’re not reaching your potential. Reach back and help those that need to be helped, but don’t jeopardize your dream helping somebody else out of their nightmare. And when you do reach back, don’t do it expecting anything in return, do it because that’s a decision you wanted to make…because nine times out of 10 you won’t get anything in return (from them). So basically what I’m saying is make the decision to help someone based off the person you are not the person you’re helping, but don’t let them use you. To sum it all up, don’t let someone hang a cloud over your head while you’re reaching for your own sunshine.

The Breath I Breathe Is Just...Different

I still breathe different. It has been umpteen months and fifty-eleven hours and I still breathe different. Nothing has been the same since it happened, and I'm not sure things will ever go back to the way they were. I'm better for it without a doubt, especially to those around me, but I can't help but feel like I'll always be chasing that part of myself. THAT piece that got away. Please don't get things misconstrued, I am grateful. I'm wise enough to know things could have been a lot worse. But now it's like my vision has abandoned me, gone in the blink of an eye. Pun intended. Or was it distorted before everything hit the fan? I've watched the sun rise and set since I was six years old, always realizing that what goes up must always come down. I watch that same sun, but through a much different lens now. I now appreciate it for what it is…one of the most beautiful things my eyes have ever seen. I stare at it as it goes down, forced to wonder how long will it continue to shine. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath just at the sight of it. One foot in front of the other, day by day. I can smile though…because I won. All the times I was silent when I should've said something. All the times that it was dark, when everyone else had light. I won. I'm better…because I can see clearly now. No more cloudy days, there all gone away. However there is a price to pay for wisdom and improvement, and even when I made it to the other side of the storm, I was sad for those that I left behind. Have you ever stood in a room full of people feeling completely alone? Because you "get it." Apart of you has always gotten it and due to this fact, apart of you will always be lonely because THAT part of you will always get what no one else does. You will always be ten steps ahead, seeing what others cannot see and those who can, choose not to because they know all too well, the price that must be paid. They know that sometimes it's just easier to fit in with everyone else because it's lonely standing by oneself. They know that sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut because things have always been that way and most martyrs die way before THE CAUSE they are fighting for. So if you see me around and I look down, just continue on your journey and pray for me because you know that I did not have a choice. You know that even if I did walk away from the responsibility, the burden of my transgressions alone would have killed me. Pray for me because you know most martyrs didn't have an option. They see things before everyone else. And even though I am ten steps ahead often MOTIVATING those that are sometimes ten steps behind just know…that there is ALWAYS a price to pay. And know that even if I live to be 80 years old, I died to myself a long time ago. But the reward is so much better than the sacrifice. So if a better me makes a better you, then so be it. By any means necessary…MOTIVATION.