The Breath I Breathe Is Just...Different

I still breathe different. It has been umpteen months and fifty-eleven hours and I still breathe different. Nothing has been the same since it happened, and I'm not sure things will ever go back to the way they were. I'm better for it without a doubt, especially to those around me, but I can't help but feel like I'll always be chasing that part of myself. THAT piece that got away. Please don't get things misconstrued, I am grateful. I'm wise enough to know things could have been a lot worse. But now it's like my vision has abandoned me, gone in the blink of an eye. Pun intended. Or was it distorted before everything hit the fan? I've watched the sun rise and set since I was six years old, always realizing that what goes up must always come down. I watch that same sun, but through a much different lens now. I now appreciate it for what it is…one of the most beautiful things my eyes have ever seen. I stare at it as it goes down, forced to wonder how long will it continue to shine. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath just at the sight of it. One foot in front of the other, day by day. I can smile though…because I won. All the times I was silent when I should've said something. All the times that it was dark, when everyone else had light. I won. I'm better…because I can see clearly now. No more cloudy days, there all gone away. However there is a price to pay for wisdom and improvement, and even when I made it to the other side of the storm, I was sad for those that I left behind. Have you ever stood in a room full of people feeling completely alone? Because you "get it." Apart of you has always gotten it and due to this fact, apart of you will always be lonely because THAT part of you will always get what no one else does. You will always be ten steps ahead, seeing what others cannot see and those who can, choose not to because they know all too well, the price that must be paid. They know that sometimes it's just easier to fit in with everyone else because it's lonely standing by oneself. They know that sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut because things have always been that way and most martyrs die way before THE CAUSE they are fighting for. So if you see me around and I look down, just continue on your journey and pray for me because you know that I did not have a choice. You know that even if I did walk away from the responsibility, the burden of my transgressions alone would have killed me. Pray for me because you know most martyrs didn't have an option. They see things before everyone else. And even though I am ten steps ahead often MOTIVATING those that are sometimes ten steps behind just know…that there is ALWAYS a price to pay. And know that even if I live to be 80 years old, I died to myself a long time ago. But the reward is so much better than the sacrifice. So if a better me makes a better you, then so be it. By any means necessary…MOTIVATION.